Okay this one is going to be hard for me, I am going to dig up some painful memories of my first marriage, BUT! if by doing this it brings awareness in how to prevent any of you from falling into this ""subtle trapped cycle of abuse", then it is worth digging up. I referred to this as a "subtle tapped Cycle"for a reason, basically becuase that is what it is.
The relationship develops and everything is so wonderful at first, he treats you like you are the only person in the world, like a presious piece of crystal, and you fall for him, and you fall hard, he is everything to you, you found your Prince charming, especially if things at home are tough, he is your support, where you go for comfort and he gives you all the support and comfort you need. He gets you to feel like he is all you have, and the trap begins...
And the day comes, you have your first fight, then it happens! He hauls off and hits you! You just stand there in shock, not knowing at first what just happened, your mind is going so fast with thoughts, you can't process that the love of your life, your Prince charming just did what he did, then it sinks in and the shock goes away and you start to cry, not knowing if you are crying because he hit you and the side of your face feels like it's on fire, or because you can't believe he did it! Then he falls all over himself saying how sorry he is, that he can't believe he just did that, and begging for your forgiveness, some will even cry! He brings you flowers, does whatever he feels necessary to get you to forgive him, he'll swear it will never happen again,because he loves you so much. And you do, you forgive him, and you find yourself lieing to your family and friends about how you got that hug briuse on the side of your face.
My loves!! Once you find yourself lying to the ones you love about what really happened to your face then you know it's time to get out!! Make that you "red Alert" if you let the fact he hit you get by you, make that the warning! If you are being abused by your boyfriend right now this is probably not easy for you to read, I understand because it is not easy to write! But honey, you have to listen to me, know matter how many times he swares he loves you and that it will never happen again, unfortunatly it will happen again, and again.
If a guy hits you once when he gets mad, he will hit you everytime he gets mad, and don't ever believe this remark.."you made me do it, it's your fault I hit you!" Before you know it, you will start believing that it IS your fault that he hits you, and you will start to believe that you DO deserve it, and then the "I'm sorrys", and the "it will never happen again" will stop because he now has you believing that you deserved it, and he gets away with it! Ohh abusive men are slick in how they gain control over you, theres your subtleness I talked about.
It starts out with the never ending I'm sorrys to the it's your fault, you should not have done whatever it was that he got pissed off about. BUT!! There is one kind of person who outslicks the punkass abusive man, and that is a survivor of Domestic Violence, and I am one of them, a survivor, and I know what an abusive man is all all about.
They are most likely verbally/mentally or emotionally abusing you too, they all go hand in hand, he most likely started verbally abusing you before he started hitting you right? If your boyfriend is not hiting you, but is verbally abusive (you don't have to be hit to be abused). And by verbally abusing you I mean calling you nasty and mean names, telling you who and when you can see your family and friends, wanting to know where you are at all times, who you are talking to on the phone, questioning everything you do and who and why you are talking to whoever you are talking to, tells you what you can and can not wear, makes comments on your weight, ohh and don't even dare have a friend who is a guy! Any type of controlling you is abuse! I bet some of you didn't even know you where being abused did ya?
Don't think for one minute that being emotionally abused is anyless important then being physically abused, to be honest being verbally beaten down everyday of your life is harder then dealing with the physical, at least in my case it was, I left my abusive husband 16 years ago and the words that filled my head then, are still there. Being beaten with words instead of fists makes it non the less harmful, non the less unexceptable, and non the less what you diserve!
NO MAN HAS THE RIGHT TO DISRESPECT YOU IN ANYWAY!!
NO MAN HAS THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOUR LIFE!!
NO MAN HAS THE RIGHT TO BEAT YOU DOWN WITH WORDS OR FISTS!!
AND MOST OF ALL YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT AT ALL!!
This brings us back to my discussion in the Self~Esteme post, verbal abuse is just like an affermation, you hear these negative and insulting comments about you all the time you eventually start to believe the crap this guy says to you. You need to get him out of your life, I know, I know, you love him and you are going to be the one to change him. He needs more then you to change! He needs professional help to change most likely his father abused his mother, and his Grandfather abused his grandmother. Abuse is a learned act, to him it is normal to treat women the way he does, he knows nothing different. Abuse is a cycle, and it will continue down the line if he does not get help. He most likely will not get help because to him this is normal behavior. So if you think your love for him is so strong that he will change for you, honey you are wrong, I am sorry but you are wrong! All you are doing is playing with a ticking time bomb who could explode one day and seriously hurt you, do really think you deserve that? This is a serious self esteme issue, if your self esteme is high the first time he hit you, you would have said get the hell out of my life! I am so much better then that, and I deserve so much better then that! If your self esteme is low then you can be easy manipulated in believeing you don't deserve any better, and you will put up with it.
Now getting out!
This is what happened and why I left.. .
I was in serious denial, probably where you are now, but one day it was so wierd I don't know what made this day any different but I'm greatful it was. I was living in Purto Rico at the time and my son was 12 months old, I woke up one day and looked in the mirror and for the first time I saw my face all black and blue, just like it was many times before but I think I became so good at lying to everyone in my life about my bruises I think I also had myself conviced of the excuses. (This also will happen when you start to have to lye about what is going on, you will start to avoid the people in your life, it is easyier then having to come up with all the reasons for this mark, and that bruise) Anyway, I just stood there and stared at myself and I truly did not recognise who was looking back at me, and everything became clear, I wanted better! Something changed, I couldn't stand him anymore, and I had no problem wanting to leave him. BUT, makeing that happen was a different story, I was in a semi forien place, had no money of my own, kept under lock and key, really, I had an armed body guard, my ex was far from a honest law abbiding citizen. So how was I going to get home, it wasn't like I was just in a different town, or even state, I had a lot of Ocean to get across to get back to NJ! So I had to make it look lkie I was coming back, if I was ever going to get out of there, so I made it look like I had to go home because my Grandmother waqs having open heart surgery, (she was, but I made it look more seriuos then it was to get out of there) so my Brother had two plane tickets waiting at the Airoport, I left everything I had behind, I just took what I could put in a suitcase for me and my baby son, and I left, I remember walking down the hall toward the gate to my flight and I turned around and he was standing there waving at us, I remember thinking this was the last time I would see him. And it was.
What is important here for you to understand is that I made up my mind to get out of this going know where relationship, and I did, know matter what I had to do I did it. This is what you have to do, you have to make up your mind that this relationship is going know where, and you have to get out of it, that you deserve better! And just do it.
Getting out of the relationship might be an easy task and it might be a hard one, it depends on the amount of control issues there are in the relationship. But when you make up your mind that you don't deserve to be treated like this, and that you want better then just leave him! Turn a deaf ear because he will most likely turn back into that Prince Charming that he was when you first meet him, he will try and convince you that he has changed and just the thought of lossing you brought him to that change! He will try and make you believe this, he will turn on the charm.
STAY STRONG! DON'T FALL FOR IT!!
It will not last, it will be just like in the beginning, everything will be so wonderful, he will charm you back into the same trap! Honey, it's not real, he just manipulating you just like he has always done, once he sucks you back in the same things will happen again and it's only a matter of time before he hits you again or starts with the controlling mental abuse. If he is serious about wanting to change then he will want to go to counseling.
Don't let him scare you into staying with him. This is usually the next level of emotional abuse. He might give you a hard time in breaking up with him, so be prepared, always remember this"knowledge is power" and the more knowledge you have the stronger you will be. And the first bit of knowledge you need is to know and understand that you WILL NEVER change him, the situation will never get any better, just worse, and that you don't deserve to be treated like a piece of crap!
You deserve to be treated like a Queen! The man who is with you should be honored to be with you and treat you such! If he does not then you move on until you find another. I want you all to listen to the song by Beyonce IrreplaceableI love that song so much and every Girl and Women should have the same attitude about boyfriends!
You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I will have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to
thinking you're irreplaceable
So since I’m not your everything
How about I'll be nothing
Nothing at all to you
Baby I wont shead a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy
Adopt that kind of thinking and you and how you treat men who treat you bad, throw them to the curb, and make way for a new one! Please go back to the blog and add your comments, stories or ask me any questions I will answer them all!
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